I have created this site hoping to help other who have gone through something as traumatic as rape. What helped me through my rape was not only admitting it to myself, but also being able to talk to someone through email. Talking about the rape helps you accept it for what it was, an experience from your past that you should not allow to control your present and future life. It helped me to tell my story to someone I did not have to see, someone I really did not even know. Over the course of a year, I emailed this person whenever I felt like I needed to talk, cry, or when I just felt like checking in to say hello.
This person became my rock. Simply by being a sounding board for me, they helped me realize and take control of what it was I was facing, dealing with a rape that I had pushed so far down that it was consuming my every thought. Her words of encouragement, strength, and hope will carry with me for the rest of my life. They helped me to find and rebuild my strength in ways they will never know. That is my hope for this site.
It was a Friday night. A friend and I had decided to go out for a couple of drinks. While sitting at the bar, we began chatting with a small group of guys. Feeling safe, I left my drink on the bar while I went to the restroom. When I returned, I finished my drink and we all left shortly after. One of the gus we had met got into my friend's car and we set off for their apartment with the others following behind.
Upon arriving at the aparetment, the guys asked if we wanted to come inside, so we did. After all, they were close to our age so how harmful could they be? I had only one drink at the restaurant and could not understand why I was feeling so out of it. We sat on the couch and talked for awhile. After a short time, one fo the guys asked me to go upstairs. He had told me he was a model and wanted to show me his portfolio. He also told me that he wanted to sing me something he had written.
Once we were upstairs, he raped me. I could not move. After he had raped me vaginally, he then flipped me over, held me face down in a pillow and raped me anally. When he had finished that, he flipped me back over, raping me again vaginally. I wanted to fight and scream but physically I was unable.
I remember felling as though I was standing in a corner watching this horrible thing happening to someone else; it was as though I was not there. Later that night I was taken to the hospital where I was told I needed to go to the Sexual Assault Crisis Center. At the Crisis Center, they performed a rape kit, which was not a pleasant experience but I knew it had to be done. A few months later I had to undergo rectal reconstructive surgery because of the rape.
I still remember things my rapist kept saying, like how I wanted this. I needed it. I needed him. He told me I was too pretty not to have him in me. These kinds of things stay with you. They can haunt you, if you let them.
Was I stupid for going to the guys' apartment? No, I was trusting, too trusting. However, I did not deserve to be raped. No one deserves to be raped. It does not matter what someone has done, where they have gone, what they are wearing, what they are drinking, how much they are drinking, etc. No one asks to be raped.